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Friday, August 28, 2009

Skunked....

Oh my friends. Where to even begin this sordid tale of dog vs skunk. I shall begin where all epic tales begin...at the beginning.

Last night at 9:30 I asked my son to take the dog out for her last potty of the night. He opens up the back door and stares in horror as a leetle skunk is looking back at him. My dog?? She did not stare in horror. She being a big bad protector of "all things that may hurt the family" promptly jumped on the skunk and started to tell it to go away. Get out of her yard. The skunk took umbrage at such unprovoked treatment and let my dog know in no uncertain terms it would not be treated thusly. My son is yelling for the dog to get back in the house...may I just now put here "WTH???!!!" Not the house my son. Please not the house where your mother is sitting oh so happily sewing away. Where her OCD is laying dormant like Mt. Vesuvius.
When my dog came running back in the house, confused as to where the smell was coming from, the rest of us jumped up and ran into....wait for it my friends....my sewing room. Yes. She was in my sewing room. This is where my anxiety and OCD grabbed me by the throat and started to choke me. I grabbed my dog and ran for the tub....I did not choke her. By around midnight I was laying on the couch pondering my very existence and the existence of my dog and yes, even the existence of my son. Shall I tell you what takes away the skunk smell oh Internet friends?? Yes?? Okay, this is what you do if your dog has been skunked....

1. Take said dog to nearest bath and scrub the hell (sorry mom but hell is appropriate right about now, please do not ground me for using bad language) out of her.
2. Cry.
3. Get out every and all boxes of Arm and Hammer Baking Soda. Apply liberally to ever surface in your home.
4. Fabreeze like your very life depended on it.
5. Go to bed and get on the internet....look up "stoopid dog got skunked and son let her in my sewing room really what is it all about anyway" .com
6. Read that tomato juice does not work but Massingil will.
7. Cry.
8. Also read that if you boil vinegar on your stove it will take some of the smell away. Realize that you have a gigantic bottle of vinegar in your cupboard and boil away.
9. Open all windows downstairs and sleep on the couch whilst your hubby is asleep upstairs content in the knowledge that his crazy wife will no doubt have it all taken care of cause really?? Her OCD and anxiety will not let her sleep while the smell is in her home.
10. Wake up the next morning.
11. Cry.
12. Get kids off to school and start cleaning with Pine Sol for all you are worth.
13. Get phone call from 16 year old that she smells like skunk and you must pick her up.
14. Pick up 16 year old and go to Walmart where you purchase
* 12365411 bottles of Massingil for Women....ignore stares of every person in Walmart wondering what is up with you that you need so many.
* 2 industrial sizes of fabreeze
* One very large bottle of laundry powder
* Two very large bottles of fabric softener
* Garbage bags
* Skunk be gone from the pet isle that cost $12540112.02 but really who cares at this point.
* A very large milky way....did I mention it is "that time" of month.
* The biggest box of baking soda you have ever seen. Really.
* 545454 candles. Especially the Paula Deen Apple Pie. yum
15. Go home and get call from 12 year old that the Vice Principal has put all of her things from her gym locker in a very large plastic bag and that I need to come and pick her up because the skunk smell is permeating the entire school.
16. Cry.

It is now 11:47am and my house smells wonderful. My dog smells wonderful but is not speaking to me after what I have put on her body. My Milky Way is in the freezer getting nice and frozen for later on this afternoon. My laundry is well on it's way and my mommy has been called so that she can give me sympathy...and might I say that my mom does loving like no other. :)

That is all I've got dear friends. I am now off to drink a pepsi and relax.
Any and all comments of "You poor poor baby!!!" will be greatly appreciate.
You may now go and enjoy your houses that do not smell of skunk.
The End.

17 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

My coworker jsut went through this very same thing!! When she opened the front door to let out her chocolate lab, they both encountered a very annoyed skunk. Which then sprayed INTO THE HOUSE. She has been miserable for a week. Says whenever the humidity rises, it smells again.

Sounds like she did everything you did minus the Massengill. :)

Hallie

Jen of ReannaLily Designs said...

Oh my goodness! I'm glad the house is starting to smell less skunky. Hellllooooo Milky Way bar!

Patricia said...

You poor baby!
Your funeral post had me laughing and now this. Believe me when I say, I hope I'm laughing with you and not at you.
Gotta love Mom!

Quiltin' LibraryLady said...

Honestly, I'd have considered a gallon of gas and a match.

mascanlon said...

Oh no not the fabric! You poor baby!

dianne said...

poor, poor, poor baby

Chocolate Cat said...

You 'poor poor' baby!!!! Oh my goodness, I don't think there could be anything much worse than this. Sending you lots and lots of sympathy!

Anonymous said...

Aaawww!!! Poor thing! Hopefully all is well by now. It's me, Carmen. I forgot my blogger pw.

quiltmamajb said...

Holy cow!!! So sorry to hear about your skunk adventures - but I was laughing right out loud while I read your account of it - just hilarious! Your desciptions are precious. Totally not laughing at you, ok? My neighbor's boxer came bounding into her house, having been sprayed - same kind of chaos ensued. Her vet also mentioned 'Summer's Eve' - she said she felt like such a skank buying all those bottles at the CVS. Then, her description of her and her three little girls spraying the dog down in the driveway had me in stitches too - the girls thought the dispensers were cool - spraying in all directions. Too much!!! You deserve an ongoing supply of Milky Way bars. Hope things are getting back to normal - what a lucky man your husband is! Most importantly - how is the sewing room? Have yourself a nice weekend - you certainly deserve it!! Piece...

Jeri said...

Oh man! If when life gives you lemons you make lemonade, what the heck do you do when life gives you skunk?

I hope all your efforts pay off in a permanent fix. Another good reason, I guess, to keep fabric in rubbermaid totes! LOL

Glad you kept your sense of humor through it all. Poor thing.

Kim said...

I was in the grocery store tonight, wondering if anyone besides me ever notices how sometimes it seems the grocery store--and WALMART--are filled with really odd people. I wondered, "Where do they come from? And where do they go when they aren't in the grocery store--or WALMART." And now I know. And now I also know why Walmart might be short of Massengil. I get the best education on the internet, I swear!

Stephanie D. said...

Only ONE milky way?

Good grief, woman, you deserve a CASE!

You can take them with you on the cruise your husband needs to send you on (and yes, I know that's poor grammar). I'm pretty sure there are no skunks on the ocean.

Vicky said...

Go to a pet store and buy a small box of Odor Mute, an enzyme eater It's a powder that you mix with water. Daisy, stoopid dog, got skunked eight times one year. I would grab her and put her in the garage in a tub filled with Odor Mute dissolved in water. Rinsed her off good with it, and then let her dry with it on. Then grabbed the towels and the clothes I had on and threw them in the washer with Odor Mute (no detergent). Then put Odor Mute/water in the carpet cleaner. There was NO smell once she was dry, and you'd never know skunk juice had been anywhere in my house. My boss didn't believe it until he had the occasion to try it out on one of his labs who was skunked. It works!! I swear by this stuff! And it's a lot less embarrassing than buying out the entire shelf of Massengill at WalMart!

Annemiek said...

Me and my family are going through some sad times, due to the passing of my father in law. To get some relief in my head I was blogsurfing randomly and came across YOU. You made me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts.Thanks, it was a great match with the chocolate I just ate. "Poor you" is an understatement.it's POOR YOU!!!!! at least. Go and eat some more chocolate. It helps.

Julie from Citrus Heights,CA said...

Combine 1 box baking soda, lots of dish soap and a bottle of hydrogen perioxide. This will get rid of the smell. It will lighten up your dog......

Karen Sutton said...

You poor, poor baby. I would have needed a lot more Milky Ways. Thanks for a laugh to start my day.

Anonymous said...

Soak the dog in white vinegar. Neutralizes the smell quick and is cheap. After they marinate for A while in the vinegar wash with soap to get rid of the vinegar smell. Works good!