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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The creepy man....

On Sunday my hubby woke up and told me that he must cook some ham-hocks...and beans. Then I went downstairs to make some coffee. I needed to fortify my loins before any plans were thrown at me. He came down about 20 minutes later, dressed and ready. He definitely needed some ham hocks and beans.......maybe some of my sweet corn bread....and possibly some sweet tea. Oh, and I should get ready cause he wanted me to go with him. As I am a white woman I don't have the faintest clue what one should look for in a good ham hock.....other then they should be big.....but I love muh man so off we went. The man likes to buy his ham hocks from one store. It is a small little hole in the wall......probably run by mountain people. Nothing wrong with mountain people, I'm just setting the scene. Teeth are not always a given. Shoes and shirt are mere options.

As we are waiting at the meat counter with all 645 other mountain/hunters in full camouflage gear/slasher type people I got a little tingly feeling at the base of my neck. Now int-netz I am a child of Oprah. For years I was a devout follower and I know that when you have a tingly feeling at the base of your neck that means that a murderer is close by. Of course Oprah calls it your "hmmmmmmm something is not right" feeling but she really means that a murderer is close by and you should run RUN ham hocks be damned!

Now I was at one end of the meat counter and the hubby was at the other. He had gotten all enthralled by the sirens call of beef and had left me. I looked around to see why I was getting the tingly-murderer is close by feeling when I saw this man looking at me. It wasn't a "Hey! What a cutie that girl is!!" It wasn't a " HMMMMM white girl with black man....bad!" look either. It was just a really weird blank stare. I looked away and pretended to be oh so intrigued by a packet of something called "Salt chure deer meat and the wimmin will come a'runnin" and when I peeked to see if he was still looking? He was. I looked behind me cause maybe he was aiming his dead blank stare to some other unlucky person. But guess what?? There was no one else behind me. I decided to hide in an isle. Not that Oprah ever suggested that hiding in the cereal isle when you are about to be attacked, is a good idea but I needed to give the man time to be distracted by something else. When I got tired of reading cereal boxes I fought my way over to the the hubby. I figured the weird Freddy Kruger man would see that I was well protected and would stalk someone else. Nope. He kept looking. I thought about telling my hubby but the man hadn't really done anything. I just kept getting an icky feeling. And ladies, would my husband understand The Wisdom Of Oprah and how I was having a Hmmmmmmmmm Moment?? No. He would walk over to the icky little man and ask him if he was staring at his wife and if so could he knock it off cause he was giving her the heebie-jeebies. And really.....the area of town we were in...well let us just say that I didn't want to stand out any more then we already were. I only break out the black belt moves when needed and on one cup of coffee.....me loins weren't nearly fortified enough.
Our number was called while I was wrestling with what to do so we ordered our ham hocks. Paid for them and got in the car. I told the Major about all of my thoughts. He looked around the parking lot to see if I was being stalked but nope. No icky murdering man had followed us out to the store. And why I felt the need to share this loooooong and sordid tale I do not know.
It's just me looking for the silver lining in things....see......escaping a murder/slasher?? WIN WIN!! Yeah Me! Looking for the good in life!!! :)

Anyway!!! so tonight I am still alive and well in Ohio. Let this be a lesson to all you ladies out there. If a very tiny-weird-murderer-slasher type person stares a death ray stare at you, just do what I did.
Hide in the cereal isle. Works every time. And yes, that is the moral of this story. giggle

Night all!!!

10 comments:

Jen of ReannaLily Designs said...

More horror movies should be based on "hide in the cereal isle". That whole "go check on the noise in the basement while the breaker is out" crap never works!!!

mascanlon said...

I have found the produce section works too, you can always hide under the potato stand...Mrs. Potato Head....lol, gosh I crack me up!

Stephanie D. said...

Nah, the moral of this story is never accompany your man to a small town store. That's where all the best horror stories start, don't you know?

Leigh said...

I totally agree with Stephanie....all horror stories begin at some some Snak Shak in a county in rural Ohio at dusk. Just a bad idea! And why did he need you to go with him?!

dianne said...

i dunno - if i was gonna hide in an aisle, it would probably be with the canned veggies so i would have heavy objects to throw at the little creep if he came within range...

Michelle said...

Oh, you crack me up! I'm glad you escaped, but without this incident, we wouldn't have got to read the account of your Sunday morning.

Glad you got back home safe and sound. Be blessed, take care, and have a wonderful week!
Michelle

Annemiek said...

Could it be that the man was just blown away by your grace and beauty? You never thought of that now did you?!*lol*

Johanna said...

At least if creepy man followed you out, you had ham hocks for security. A good throw aimed at his man parts should take him down. And that's just another reason why ham hocks should be on every woman's shopping list. . .

:)

Judy Laquidara said...

What I really want to know is . . how was the ham and beans? I love beans with ham hocks too but I think I'll stay in the better part of town for my ham hocks.

Kim said...

Well, I'm certainly glad you weren't murdered! You probably wouldn't be nearly as funny that way. And what Judy said--how were the hamhocks and beans? I love hamhocks and beans, but I really can only eat a bowl or two before they go bad because Hubby doesn't like beans. Hummmmmmm. I wonder if the slasher guy likes hamhocks and beans? I need a hamhock and bean companion.