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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Serious post ahead.........

So ummmmmm my posts have been pretty spotty lately huh.
Thanks to all who have hung in there with me and my once a month posting.

As many of you out there know life is not always one big basket of butterflies. At times things that we are desperately trying to hold at bay rear up and say "Okay, enough. Let us deal with this now." Everyone has something that they deal with. Mine is that every once in awhile I get sad. For no reason. Just sad. Usually it only lasts a day or two and then I can snap myself out of it and go on with life, none the wiser. This time? No. It has gone on and on and on. I describe it as waking up one morning and it is sitting on your chest, smiling down at you and saying "Hi! Remember me?? Wellllll I'm back!" You can tell yourself that your children are wonderful, your hubby is the best, you have a roof over your head, food in the fridge, shoot even your dog loves you but it doesn't always work. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago to tell him that maybe my "vitamins" weren't working like they should and he wanted to go over what I had been doing that week. I told him. Just the usual wife and mom stuff. He says to me "You seem to take care of everyone. Who takes care of you?" Then he got nervous when I felt oh so sorry for myself thinking "Yeah! Who??" and maybe got a little teary. hahahahahahaha

So what to do and how to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get it together already??

When I go through it I start a new quilting project. I put music on during the day. I get out of the house and go be amongst people. I buy myself a fat quarter. I make big dinners and set the table nicely. Or I re-arrange furniture. I never let it affect my family. I feel very strongly that my kids will not remember their mother being sad. This time? Nothing worked. I found myself laying on the couch after the kids went to school and then waking up 3 or 4 hours later. Eating for no reason even if I was full. A week would go by and I didn't laugh. I had to make myself go out. Even knowing I had to buy bread was a huge huge task that would loom in front of me. I even stopped answering the phone.

One night my daughter sat on my bed and said that I seemed sad. Was it something they had done. Was there something she could do to help. My other daughter came in and sat on the bed and they pow-wowwed as to what I could do. Yeah, that is a heart breaker for sure. They wanted their mom back. Shoot I wanted her back!

It's hard to say what made me have such a long "hard time" this time. It's been months. I was just so sick of myself. Nothing debilitating or any crazy thoughts, I just re-read what I wrote and wanted to put there out there. Just sad. And tired. And anxious. For more then a couple of days.

For months The Rents and I had planned on going to The Covered Bridge Festival together. Just the three of us. I would drive up to their camper....saying camper makes me think of a small little pop up when really people?? This thing is huge! Comes with two lazy boy chairs......tv......kitchen.....shower...you name it! Anyway, the plan was for me to drive up to the campground, stay in the Taj Mahal of campers with them and we would drive to the Festival and spend a whole day shopping. Going from booth to wonderful booth of craft stuff. When Nana got sick and I spent some time with her I thought about not going. I mean...money...recession....sigh. Then my heart said oh no. Go. Do not stay home. Get away for a bit. Spend some time with The Rents. I am so glad I listened to my heart. I took the 4 and a half hour road trip alone. Just me and my music. I stopped off here....



bought a little sumpin sumpin for my Ya-Yas.......












Then I spent some time with these two. The Rents. When I got out of my car to say hello I just held on to my dad. I breathed him in. I hugged my mom and when she kissed me on the cheek, grinning cause we were gonna have a rockin good time, I felt my soul wake up for the first time in months. I felt quiet inside of myself. Does that make sense?? The first night I was there we just sat together. We had to get up the next morning early as the Festival was an hour and a half away. My dad watched some TV and my mom and I read. Every once in awhile I would peek at them. Then I would grin to myself cause oh my gosh are they cute. Also? I felt so happy to be there with them.
The next day we drove to Indiana. The Festival was not what I expected. It. Was. Marvelous! Booth after booth after booth of crafty things! You weren't allowed to take any pictures so I snapped my dad before we entered the town. Oh, guess who had pneumonia that weekend?? Guess who we had to drag back to the camper at the end of the day after walking 245112 miles?? Yeah, that would be this guy.

I came home and felt more myself then I had for a long long time. I've laughed again. I chased my youngest up the stairs trying to pinch her while she laughed like a loon. I was interested in what was going on around me. I've answered the phone! :) I also made a decision that I would not go back to that place. I've started to say no a bit. No, I will not stop what I am doing and drive to the school cause you forgot something...AGAIN. No, I will not drive everyone hither and yon. Get another mom to do it...it's their turn. Yes, I will do my share but doggone it I will not let myself be so taxed out that I get depressed again. I also know that people will only tax you out and make you crazy if you let them. I plan on working on some balance. Oh, and laughing. I've missed laughing.
The next time my doctor asks me who takes care of me?? I'm gonna tell him about these two. My Rents. And I am going to thank my lucky stars that I feel better!!!

Okay, enough down in the mire stuff!! hahahaha Next up is pictures of the porch! It is decorated for Fall and looks so great my neighbor stopped by to tell me so. :)

hugs everyone!!

17 comments:

Jen of ReannaLily Designs said...

I'm glad you are feeling better!

Johanna said...

I applaud you for writing this post and I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. This couldn't have come at a better time. Friday I went to my primary care for nausea after surgery and after awhile she asked if I was depressed. I raised my voice to her and said "no." Later, after more questioning and a few things, she said, "I think you're depressed." I got mad and went on and on about how depressed people are weak and I'm strong blah, blah, blah. I had also come in for sleep drugs since the Tylenol PM wasn't working for me anymore. She prescribed an anti-depressant that doubles as a sleeping pill. She then asked if anything in my life would cause depression and I told her about my mom's death, my dad's cancer and now my health and just broke down. Like a big baby. I couldn't believe it. So yes, maybe I'm sad too. It takes a bigger person to admit it and your post was very brave. My husband asked if I was going to blog about being "diagnosed" and I firmly said "no." But let me tell you how nice it was to read your blog and your feelings and think to myself, "gee, I'm not alone."

You're wonderful girlfriend, and I'm glad things are looking up! :)

Leigh said...

You know, when you get into a funk, sometimes it just is so heavy that you just don't have enought energy to pull yourself out. The smallest of tasks seem to be huge and unaccomplishable. I'm so happy that you found you again!

Michelle said...

Hey Sweetie,
I know posting this was brave, and I thank you for that. I have had some times like yours too, and I totally understand it, so I know it was hard for you. Sometimes it helps me just to have a hug from someone who doesn't want to offer advice, but just to say, 'Hey, I'm here, and I love you'...I also think you are totally right to say no to things when you really don't feel like it.

I'm glad you are back, and I look forward to your blog posts. I love your sense of humor, and that, is why I keep reading your posts...not for the quiltiness, or anything else...just your great sense of humor about things in life that could, and do, get some people totally down.

Be blessed, my friend. Why do you have to live so far away from me?
Michelle

Stephanie D. said...

Good for you for making yourself go this past weekend, and for blogging about your feelings. Taking care of yourself is not an easy thing to do--it feels selfish at times, but it isn't, really. It's recharging your batteries so you can continue doing what you want to do, which is usually to care for those around you.

And saying "no" is a necessary thing. It makes people more responsible for themselves and once they get past the initial pout, the added independence is good for their self-confidence.

See? You're doing everyone some good!

Quiltin' LibraryLady said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better now. Depression, even a mild case, can surely drag you down. I went through a year, after losing a lot of weight from a year or more of very low-carb living, of not being interested in anything. I functioned, I went to work, did my job, cooked, did laundry....even cleaned house once in a while. LOL But NOTHING held any interest for me. Quilt Club & Extension Club were just things I HAD to do. Didn't have any interest in quilting, reading, computer or anything else. When I started getting interested in doing things again was when I realized it was DEPRESSION. You know what they say...20/20 hindsight.

You seem to have found what perks you up so when you find yourself feeling down for too long just announce to the family that you're going to spend a few days with the RENTS and take off. They're all old enough to take care of themselves & each other, knowing you'll come back more yourself.

Glenn said...

I will always remember you as someone cheery. I am glad that you went to visit the "Rents." Reading your post made me think of my Dad. I am happy that you are back to yourself again. You need to be very proud of your daughters.

Tiki said...

Glad that you're feeling better. I think the #1 thing that we as Moms do, is take care of everyone before yourself. Take some "Dawn" time! Glad that you got to visit with The Rents and they made the sun shine for you!

Annemiek said...

I read your post 3 times and then took a moment to let it "sink in".
You described it so brilliant, that I totally understood.
Thanks for writing this, you really touched me today!
Glad that you're doing better now..

Chookyblue...... said...

it is very hard to say "no" but once you get a little used to it it is a little easier...........still hard but gets easier.........and I recommend time with the Rents regularly..........lol.......

Micki said...

Glad that you are taking care of yourself. It is good that you are seeing things positively even though life has not been that easy.
All the best,
Micki

mascanlon said...

We do always but ourselves at the end of the line don't we. So glad the sun is breaking through for you and thank you for being strong enough to share with us all. Hugs dear friend.

QuiltingFitzy said...

Now THAT was a good and honest post. Frankly, I care less about your projects, what your bought new, bigger & better than I. That's what most people (not you!) fill their blogs with...blech!

This "no laughter" thing is becoming epidemic, and it kinda scares me too. I've had questions about my ownself, so I'm glad to see you confront it!

As we say here, "Love YOU, love your SHOW!"

Take care Dawny!

Anonymous said...

I'm just happy you're back. I hope you never find yourself so low again.

Jeri

Mary said...

I'm glad you're feeling a little better and hope it stays that way.

I struggle too with periods of sadness. I find that being productive with my quilting, walking, and getting out of the house when I've spent too much time alone help me.

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